I Decided I’m Not Playing Two Worlds II

After getting my fill of the Bioshock universe, I needed a new game to play, so I thought I might give Two Worlds II a try, since I picked it up from a Steam sale a while back. If only I had read the IGN review, I could have saved myself some time, but after an hour or so I decided to abandon the game based on my own experience.


I knew there were going to be problems within two minutes of opening the game for the first time. When you purchase a game on Steam, you are often given a game key—sometimes you need to enter it into the game and sometimes you don’t.

Two Worlds II makes you enter it, but it breaks the key into four separate input fields so you can’t copy and paste. This should be just a minor annoyance, but while entering the key for the DLC that came with my purchase, one of the fields bugged out and I couldn’t activate the expansion.

The third block of my DLC’s key was something like 2VRH, but every time I typed the V the field would autofill to 2V22. I tried deleting and retyping, but nothing I did resulted in the correct code being entered. Whatever, I had the main game’s key entered, so time to play, right? Wrong.

For some reason, Two Worlds II makes you register your copy of the game. I’ve registered normal software before, but a game? Why?

I didn’t want to register, but if you try to skip it you are told that the game will only run in demo mode. With the only alternative being not to play, I started to register only to find that the required fields include my address and my gender. What possible reason does the developer have to ask for these items before allowing me to play their game? Fake address? Check. Gender? Male, fine, whatever.

I hadn’t even started playing yet and I was aleady annoyed.

An Orc Ranger There’s this cool Orc ranger, though.

Keyboard Commands

My next problem was actually figuring out how to control my character once I got into the game. I immediately realized that I didn’t even know how to interact with anything in the world, and had to resort several times to referring to the key bindings list in the games control options menu.

At one point the hero’s rescuer tells you to sneak up on some enemies and stab them with the dagger she gives you. I had beat on some other enemies with a stick earlier, and I knew that pressing F draws that weapon. I couldn’t figure out how to draw the dagger, though. After a couple of clumsy, unstealthly enemy encounters where I bashed them noisily over the head with a stick from behind, I finally realized that your dagger is drawn already when you sneak. You just have to hit the left mouse button to use it.

Maybe my anger at the controls is me just acting like a grumpy old man, but I was starting to hate this game more already.

Confusing Warps

Two Worlds II didn’t stop annoying me there. During the beginning sequences, which act as a tutorial to expose you to various game mechanics, they want you to do what they say and nothing else. They will suddenly warp you back if you step too far off the path.

For example, at one point I saw some chests I wanted to open, so I started walking over to them. Just as I started to bend down to open a chest, the game warped me back to the road and flipped the camera’s orientation so that I didn’t know where I was. I started to move in what was apparently the wrong direction again and was warped a second time.

Even in the context of the tutorial they warp you around with little warning. At one moment I was chatting with a mage at the top of a wind swept cliff overlooking the sea. We were talking about some skeletons that we wanted me to kill, and the next thing I knew I was in a cave five feet away from the skeletal fiends.

Next time give me some sort of warning or tell me that you are sending me to a cave. Or just let me walk.

Too Much Skin

My last point to make about Two Worlds II is the off-putting way female characters are portrayed in the game. I couldn’t take them seriously dressed (or undressed) they way they were.

There’s nothing wrong with a little sensuality in a game if it’s done right, but in Two Worlds II it is a perfect example of stereotypical gratuitousness. In the first hour of the game, I met three female characters of whom I saw almost their entire bare torsos and at least 90% of their breasts. One of them, the Orc rogue, had intentionally covered her face, but left most of her underwear regions exposed.

This fleshy display is no doubt aimed at a perceived mid-pubescent male audience (and maybe older men who are stuck at that stage of development), but for a man looking for some depth of narrative in a fantasy universe, these female costumes ruin the illusion. If I wanted to see a naked lady, I could pretty easily a thousand of them elsewhere. That’s what the internet is for.

A screenshot showing way too much of the prophet The Hero, the Prophet and the Prophet’s Boobs

No More

This post doesn’t even touch the problems that a professional review site like IGN has with the game. If you need more reasons why you should not play Two Worlds 2 please read that review.

I’m not going to play it again as I might explode. I actually launched the game again to verify something for this post, but it tried to make me register my key again.

I’ve only got so much time to play games, and, unfortunately for Two Worlds II, it didn’t make the cut.

Bioshock Blitz

Over the last two weeks I played through Bioshock, Bioshock Infinite, and Bioshock Infinite: Burial at Sea. These games are fabulous, and if you haven’t played them yet, go out and get them.

The environments are atmospheric and immersive, and the twists in the plot are truly amazing. From the depths of the sea in Rapture to the utopia of the clouds in Columbia, Bioshock’s cities are well designed, stylistic and interesting to explore. The storyline of both the games and the DLC will surprise you in different ways, but then tie up into a nice little package.

I won’t go into any detail about the plot here to avoid spoiling, but trust me when I say that you’ll want to experience it all.

Get these games. Play these games:

Rapture as seen in Bioshock Infinite: Burial at Sea

Small Memories

Years ago, my mother somehow heard that Superman was going to die in the comics. This was, of course the, “Death of Superman”/”Doomsday” story arc. In her mind, such a monumental event surely meant that those comics would soar in value, so she bought them for all of her sons.

She didn’t know that comics don’t really work that way or that most characters die and are reborn at least a couple of times. But it was a great example of how my mom was; she always thought of us.

One of These Things Is Not Like the Others

Seth MacFarlane?

Here’s what comes up on Google as other popular searches for people who had searched for Neil deGrasse Tyson. Can you spot the one who doesn’t fit with the rest?

World’s End Pub Glasses

For my birthdays, Father’s Days and Christmases, my crafty wife frequently makes me a thoughtful, creative gift. This past Christmas she made me this set of glasses with pub logos from the Simon Pegg/Edgar Wright film, The World’s End.

First, she googled the logos. Then she printed them on printable decals, carefully applied them to the glasses and put them under the tree.

I loved the movie, and the glasses bring a smile to my face whenever I need a beer after a hard day’s work. They need to be hand washed, but it’s a small price to pay.